Delphine Deconstructed
by little-borgia
Summary: When her father dies shortly after her breakup with Cosima, Delphine is pushed further than she can handle.
1. There's been an accident

By the time Delphine got the call, it had been two weeks since she had broken things off with Cosima in an attempt to keep her safe. Two weeks wasn't long enough for the pain to go away but it was also too long to come crawling back.

"Mrs. Cormier?" A thick French accent asked.

"Yes, Doctor Cormier," she corrected. She preferred to correct it to doctor rather than miss. At this point in her life, she thought she'd at least have some semblance of a love life. The mans mistake only made her heart ache for Cosima.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but there's been an accident..."

"An accident?" She asked, tilting her head.

"We have you listed as the next of kin for Pascal Cormier-"

"My father. Where is he? Let me speak to him!" She raised her voice, her tone shaky. She was always overprotective when it came to her father. Her mother died when she was only seven. Not only had Pascal raised her, he remained a widower, refusing to even glance at another woman. Since meeting Cosima, Delphine knew how he felt. She would never love another woman.

"He's been in an accident," the man repeated.

"I'm booking a ticket. I'll be in by tomorrow-"

"Doctor Cormier? Please-" the mans voice was timid. "Where is he?"

"His remains are already being shipped to you."

"His-" the lump formed in her throat over the word. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"Your father is dead. I'm sorry. The lawyers will be in touch." Delphine hung up the phone, bending over and emptying the contents of her stomach in the Dyad parking lot.

She slid into her car, beginning to hyperventilate. She grabbed her phone, pulling up Cosima's name. Still, she couldn't bring herself to hit the dial button.

It wasn't fair to Cosima. She had ended it with her. And she didn't want Cosima, not like this. She didn't want Cosima to pity her, to be polite because she knew that Delphine was dying inside.

Instead, she called the only other person she could consider a friend.

"Delphine?" Scott's voice felt uncertain, almost edgy. She couldn't blame him. She had fired him in a fit of anger. She couldn't handle seeing Cosima's longtime friend. Even when they were together, she felt a sting of jealousy when it came to Scott. She knew Cosima's sexuality, but she knew how he felt. He felt the same as her and yet she turned to him when she didn't know where else to go. She trusted him in a way she didn't immediately trust Delphine. Cosima wasn't sexually attracted to Scott, but she had an intimate friendship with him that Delphine had always envied.

"Hello, Scott. I'm sorry to call so late-"

"-Don't worry. Being unemployed and all," he sighed.

"I just-"

"Delphine? I don't want to cut you off. We don't work together anymore and honestly, you always used to be nice..." the way he insinuated she was no longer nice made her tear up. Was that how people saw her? Was she truly the new Rachel? "...but Cosima is my best friend. In America, when a couple breaks up, the friends choose sides."

"And you choose Cosima," she let the words fall flat. "Thank you for clearing the air. However, I just wanted you to know I decided not to send out exit interviews. Dyad has a pretty good idea how the employment went," she said harshly.

"Oh. Okay then."

"Goodbye, Scott." She hung up, immediately bursting into tears. Her hands formed tiny fists as she punched into the steering wheel, making the horn blare sporadically. Her straightened blonde hair was slowly beginning to spiral back into her signature curls. Eventually, she broke down, panting as she tried to stop the tears.

She drove herself home, her mind going into auto pilot. She pulled up next to her luxurious apartment, not even remembering the drive home.

" _orphelin_ ," she muttered. She hated the word, but it was true. She had no mother. She had no father. She had a cell phone filled with contacts and not one person who she could rely on.

She threw her purse right inside the front door, stepping out of her heels. She her coat fall to the floor, the same with her keys. She had no motivation to tidy up. She had no motivation to eat dinner. She had no motivation to live anymore.


	2. Delph-Con One

Delphine had barely slept the past 3 days. At night she sat up in her bed. Even with the lights off, she couldn't sleep. She stared off, lost in memories.

 _"Daddy!" Delphine screamed, waking suddenly. Her father rushed into her room, scooping her up. He sat on the edge of her bed, so tall that his head almost touched the canopy of her bed._

 _"Another bad dream, princess?"_

 _"You weren't there!" She sobbed. The 7 year old wrapped her tiny arms around her fathers neck._

 _"Sweetheart," he pulled her back so she looked at him. "I promise you, I will always be here for you."_

 _"You can't promise that," she said, glancing down. She wasn't ready to talk about her mothers recent death and she knew her father was just as distraught as she was._

 _"Delphine," he placed a finger under her chin, lifting her face so the blonde curls didn't cover her eyes. "Can I tell you something?"_

 _"Like a secret?" She asked, her eyes wide. Her father smiled, loving that Delphine had her mothers sense of curiosity and wonder._

 _"When your mother got sick, she told me that she knew I would take such good care of you. I promise to always stay safe until I know that you'll be okay."_

 _"I'll never be okay with out you, Papa," she whimpered._

 _"Of course you will. You'll find someone strong and intelligent and beautiful and they'll take care of you. In life, everyone is given someone to take care of them."_

 _"You promise that I'll never be all alone?" The young girl asked._

 _"You have my word, Delphine. You will never be alone..."_

The memory made Delphine gasp. It felt like she couldn't breath. The last time she had called her father, she went on and on about Cosima. He had teased her for being so chatty about the girl. Usually Delphine wasn't the type to discuss her romances, especially with her father.

She couldn't help but wonder if her father would have survived the heart attack had she kept her mouth shut. Would he have realized that she was all alone? Did he remember the promise he had made her as a little girl?

Even alone, she placed her hand across her eyes, burying her face as she sobbed loudly, unable to process what was happening. She jumped up, reaching for the bottle of whiskey. She just needed to feel numb for a while.

"Doctor Cormier?" The assistant said the next day at work, startling her.

"Yes, what is it?" She asked.

"I didn't get your lunch order. Again."

"And this week, when I didn't order lunch..."

"...you chose not to eat a lunch," the assistant whispered, his face falling.

"Very good," she flashed a fake smile. She knew it wasn't his fault, but it felt nice to have someone to be mean to, even if her attempts were passive aggressive at best.

"It isn't my place, ma'am, but you really should be eating. You look-"

"You're right. It is not your place." She said flatly, cutting him off. She was aware that her clothes clung off her more than usual. She wasn't stupid, she knew what starvation was. Still, anytime she saw or smelled food, she considered that her father would never again be able to eat his morning croissant or enjoy a nice dinner. The thought sickened her. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to stomach a meal again. Instead of worrying about it, she felt it would be poetic justice. She could continue coming into work and doing her job while slowly dwindling away until one day she wasn't there anymore. She sighed, pouring herself another drink. If nothing else, she was beginning to realize that she was naturally a high functioning alcoholic.

She drank four more glasses of bourbon before the end of the work day. The alcohol wasn't doing enough. She just needed to be numb. Just forget the pain, even for just a little.

 _"I didn't know Alison had a problem," Delphine said, shocked. "I should have paid closer attention."_

 _"No, don't apologize. I don't know that it's really a problem," Cosima whispered. Delphine had wanted to get Cosima's mind off all the stresses of her illness. She had packed a picnic lunch and blankets and taken Cosima to an isolated hill by a park. Delphine sat cross legged as Cosima laid across the blanket, her head resting on Delphine's leg._

 _"If she's going to rehab, it's a problem."_

 _"It's just prescription meds."_

 _"Her doctor didn't catch on? He didn't notice she was growing addicted?" She asked, nibbling on a carrot._

 _"You are so cute," Cosima chuckled. "It wasn't from her doctor..."_

 _"You said prescription..."_

 _"Not her prescription. They're easy to buy on the streets. Felix buys them, too."_

 _"Felix has a problem with prescription medicine?"_

 _"It isn't a problem. It's more like a coping mechanism."_

 _"I guess I don't understand it," Delphine admitted, playing with Cosima's braids._

 _"Didn't you ever have something happen? And you just couldn't face it? The medicines, they just numb you. Alison takes them because she's like a zombie on them. It lets her mind shut off and her body just goes into autopilot. Haven't you ever felt that way? You just don't want to feel anything?"_

 _"When I'm with you, I want to feel it all," Delphine whispered, bending down to kiss Cosima._

Delphine reached for her purse. She finally had a moment of clarity. She finally knew what Cosima had meant. She was ready to stop feeling.

Felix was out at the bar, grateful for a night away from espionage and clone club. He was flirting with a bartender, hoping to be able to get lucky. He was tired of watching the clones all get lucky. Hell, even Helena had a boyfriend before him.

He had a pretty good buzz going when he saw her. He almost didn't recognize her. Her hair was straightened, which he was still getting used to. But she didn't look sophisticated or intelligent or any of the qualities Delphine normally had. She wore a tight black leather skirt that barely covered her thighs, a red crocheted sweater with only a black bra underneath and black stiletto heels that made her look like she was nothing but legs.

"Holy shit," Felix murmured. Delphine must have caught on to Cosima's routine because she had thick black eyeliner and a perfect cat eye that made her hazel eyes even more noticeable.

Felix decided to stay hidden, wanting to see what Delphine had up her sleeve. He figured she'd have a drink, maybe make small talk with someone. He knew she was bisexual and on the rebound, so he glanced around, trying to figure who would strike her fancy.

He watched Delphine accept drinks from 5 different men, never once questioning what the drink was or who the drink came from. He sighed, wondering if the breakup was causing this reckless behavior. Delphine was smart and cautious and careful. The woman in front of him acted like an Amish girl who had run away.

"I'm kind of busy, Fe. What is it?" Sarah said, huffing into the phone.

"How is Cosima feeling? Up for some invasive conversation?"

"About what?" Sarah asked. Although they were the same, she found herself feeling protective of Cosima. She was constantly worried about her health and always trying to sift through things in order to keep Cosima relaxed.

"Delphine."

"No, no, no. Absolutely not."

"You know the DefCon? The military thing?"

"What about it, Fe? I'm busy!"

"Is one the worst or five?"

"It goes backwards. Defcon one is the worst. Why?"

"I kind of have a Delph-Con one on my hands."

"As in Delphine? She dumped Cosima, not the other way around. What could she possibly want?"

Felix glanced over her way. He couldn't help but moan. A man with his back to Felix had her pinned against the wall, holding her against his body in midair. She tossed her head back, letting him kiss along her collarbone.

"Delphine is about to get shagged up against a wall in a bar," he practically panted. "And I'm suddenly so jealous of Cosima."

"You're straight, Felix."

"I think anyone could make an exception for Delphine."

"She's Cosima's ex."

"You kissed her."

"She kissed me and it doesn't matter!"

"What..." Felix grew serious, watching her. The man handed Delphine a plastic sandwich bag of assorted pills. Delphine grabbed a handful, washing them down with the mans drink.

"What?" Sarah hissed into the phone.

"She's taking pills."

"What pills? Like her own?"

"Nope. From what I gather, a handful of strange pills from a strange man."

The man lead Delphine by the hand. She followed him out of the crowded bar.

"Sarah, I've got to go. I can't let her leave with him," he blurted, hanging up the phone.

"I've got work in the morning," Delphine said. Her voice was soft but echoed in the empty parking lot.

"A lot of bad things could happen to a tease," the man said as Felix raced to catch up.

"Like what? You think you're going to rape me? Mug me? Murder me?" Delphine demanded, her expression changing to anger.

"What?" The man asked, dumbfounded.

"Do you have a gun? A knife?"

"You're fucking crazy."

"Do it," Delphine challenged. "You could rape and kill me right here. I've got cash and credit cards in my purse. I've got my car keys. My GPS is in the car, my home address is programmed in. You could let yourself in, steal my belongings," she shrugged.

"Hey, hey!" Felix called. "What is going on here?"

"This bitch is insane!" The man said, holding his arms up in surrender.

"Get out of here," Felix warned him. The man wasted no time to scurry away. "Delphine, what the hell are you doing?" Felix demanded.

Delphine slapped him, her hazel eyes hard and angry.

"What in the bloody hell?" Felix cried, holding his hand to his face. "I was trying to be your friend."

"In America, when someone breaks up, everyone they know chooses sides. You have Cosima's side. Everyone is on Cosima's side," her voice shook. She unlocked her car, sliding in and driving off before he could stop her.

"What now, Felix?" Sarah demanded into the phone.

"Either Delphine is a clone or she really needs help," Felix said, watching her car speed off down the road.


	3. Let me take care of you

"Uh, hey Felix..." Scott said awkwardly, opening the door. It was no secret that the two men rarely spoke. They had little in common and only knew each other through a string of clones.

"I know you've a busy day being unemployed and talking to your cat, but I need a word."

"Uh, sure. I guess..."

Felix walked into Scott's apartment, studying the science fiction novels and action figures. He craned his next, struggling to find one small thing to connect the two.

"Is something wrong with Cosima?" Scott asked nervously.

"I'm here about Delphine. What do you know about her?"

"She's French... a doctor...her employee id number is 1924-2763-N-"

"How does that help me?" Felix snapped.

"What do you want with her? What has she done now?"

"She reached out to you, didn't she?"

"What?"

"When I tried to help her, she said that everyone in America chooses sides after a couple breaks up. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just let me help her, but those words stuck with me."

"Help Delphine with what?"

"She reached out to you, didn't she?"

"I ... ummm... I mean, she called me. Late at night..."

"For?"

"I don't know. I didn't really ask. I told her that I had a loyalty to Cosima and -"

"So she didn't say what was happening?"

"No. Why? What's wrong with her?"

"Say, you play that nerd game with her assistant?"

"That's super offensive, but yes. Why?"

"Call him. Ask about her."

Scott dialed the number, placing the call on speakerphone.

"Hey Scott. What's up?"

"I was just calling to make sure things were okay with Delphine..."

"Cosima have you digging into her ex?" He chuckled.

"Yeah, something like that," Scott muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"She's having a hard time. I'm sure Cosima is going through the same."

"Hard time how?"

"You know, she's lost a little weight. Hasn't been eating lunch lately. And she drinks more, doesn't even make small talk anymore. I guess without Cosima, she doesn't care about anyone else. She's like someone else. I miss the old Delphine."

"Oh. Hey, I've got to go." Scott said, hanging up. He gave a nervous glance to Felix.

"Listen, mate. I'm going to say this. Delphine has never been anything but nice to you. She's worked alongside you..."

"Felix-"

"And when she needed you, when she broke down and reached out to someone, you abandoned her."

"I didn't know. I'll call her-"

"Forget it, I'm going to find someone for her to lean on even if it kills me," Felix promised as he stormed out.

His heart broke for Delphine. He had a feeling it was more than a breakup that was causing this. He knew she didn't trust him because she didn't fully trust Sarah. He needed someone who she didn't know. Someone who he could trust to keep Delphine safe, even when she wouldn't keep herself safe.

"So you're setting me up?" Art asked, studying Felix.

"Well, you don't actually have to sleep with her," Felix frowned. "It might be best if you don't."

"So she's unattractive? It's a pity thing."

"Delphine? God no. She's... I mean, she's stunning..."

"And I won't want to sleep with her?"

"She's a bit of a lose cannon. She used to be a little like Alison and now... imagine Helena with drugs and booze."

"Oh, damn." Art took a swig of his beer. "You think she'll show up tonight?"

"I don't think she wants to be alone," he whispered.

Half an hour later, Delphine rolled into the bar. She wore skin tight leather pants with a plain red tank top and red heels.

"As a kid, I had a crush on Sandy from Grease," Art admitted, watching Delphine accept drinks from random men.

"Tell me about it, stud," Felix offered, fascinated by Delphine.

Sure enough, Delphine took a handful of pills, different sizes and different colors and finished them off with a random mans glass. A dance song came on and Delphine began dancing, swaying her hips sensually and moving her body to the beat of the music.

"She's enjoying herself," Felix offered, smiling softly. "I didn't know she could dance."

"I don't mind watching," Art chuckled. "I'll keep an eye on her."

"Thanks, Art. I'm just ... she's a doctor, you know? She got out of a breakup. She's always been so by the books..."

"I know the feeling," Art admitted, his mind trailing back to Beth. "She's safe with me."

"You're a good guy, Art." Felix smiled.

Delphine had swallowed two handfuls of pills and drank more than her share of alcohol when she saw a blonde kissing her girlfriend, a brunette with a messy bun.

 _"I need Cosima's information. She's being tracked, yes?" Delphine pushed her associate. She realized pieces of her were slipping away. She knew the rules and the ramifications, but she needed someone to tell. Scott had made it clear he didn't care. Cosima was her only hope._

 _"She quit, ma'am..."_

 _"You can address me as Doctor, not ma'am. And I am well aware of her employment status. What I don't know is why you won't just give me the information," her tone was cold and clipped._

 _The man tossed the security photos on her desk, knowing it would destroy her. "She's seeing someone," he admitted. "She's probably at her girlfriends house."_

 _"Very well, thank you," Delphine whispered. When she was alone, she reached for the bottle of bourbon. She studied the photos. The girl was pretty, of course. Delphine hated that insecure feeling, wondering if Cosima found Shay more attractive than she had found her. If Shay had been with a woman before, she was probably better at sex anyway. Of course, Cosima was always more than happy to be the one pleasing Delphine, as if she were trying to prove to Delphine that she could find satisfaction with a woman._

 _Delphine wiped a stray tear, returning to the bottle. She didn't need Cosima, she supposed. She could numb the pain in her own way._

The image of the two women kissing at the bar angered her in a way she had never imagined. She walked over, wanting a closer look. She wanted to be sure it wasn't Shay and Cosima.

"You don't need her," the blonde whispered to the brunette. "It never works out when you get back together with an ex."

Delphine grabbed the blonde by her hair, pulling her off the brunette. She used one hand to grab at the blonde's neck.

"Let me go!" The blonde cried.

"Don't tell others who to love. They can make it work! They can change!" She cried, her eyes rimming with tears.

"Go to hell!"

"I could kill you right now," Delphine snapped. Her eyes were cold and hard, waiting for a reason to inflict the same pain she was feeling on another person. She knew it was wrong, but she didn't care.

"Hey, hey!" Art yelled, pulling them apart. "I'm a cop. Just a misunderstanding, ladies." He turned to Delphine. "Let's get some air."

Delphine followed him, her body trembling. "You could arrest me," she said calmly. "Charge me anything, I'll plead guilty. Spend my days behind bars..."

"Relax, it's okay. No one is going to jail," he said calmly. "Just talk to me. What's your name?"

"Delphine," she said quickly.

"I saw you take pills earlier. Do you know what you took?"

"It doesn't matter," she shrugged. "I didn't ask."

"You know that's dangerous. You look like a smart woman."

"That's an oxymoron. You're smart regardless of your appearance," she said flatly.

"And if those pills killed you? Did you think of that?"

"That's all I've thought about," she admitted, brushing over the scar on her wrists.

 _"Delphine, how could you do such a thing?" Her father said softly, sitting next to her hospital bed._

 _"I'm fine," she lied. She let her fingers brush over her bandaged wrists. Had she known that it wouldn't have been enough, she would have cut her feet instead._

 _The pain had been unbearable and she cried out, waking her roommate. She hadn't quite decided if it was good or bad that her roommate intervened._

 _"You're not fine," her father said sadly._

 _"I'm not smart enough for this," Delphine had tears in her eyes as she began to shake her head. "I can't do it. I want to go home. I want to go to a regular school."_

 _"Boarding school is perfectly normal. And they plucked you out of the old school because of your grades-"_

 _She sighed, about to argue when he continued._

 _"-You wanted to be a doctor as a little girl. This is your chance. You can change the world, Delphine. Smart, beautiful, ambitious, strong women like you don't fall from the sky every day." Delphine stared down, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm thankful your mother was watching over you. She stopped a tragic mistake. There is an unspoken rule in nature, my dear. A parent is supposed to go first. Children are supposed to stay strong until their parents are gone."_

"Delphine, you can't mean that," Art whispered, stepping closer.

"No one would miss me," she realized. "I'm alone."

"I'm here now," Art promised. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

Delphine shook her head. "I just lost someone close to me. Everyone close to me, really."

"I lost someone close to me," Art whispered. He glanced up at the night sky, thinking of Beth.

"These memories are turning to nightmares," Delphine whispered. "I can't escape it. I can't turn it off."

Art moved closer, placing a hand on her hip. "It's okay. We can talk about it," he assured her.

"I know what this is," she narrowed her gaze, studying him. "You want to sleep with me?" She tilted her head, half amused. She was used to men trying to whatever she needed just to get close to her. She leaned closer, kissing Art deeply. She pressed her body against his, and he grabbed her, unable to resist her. By the time she pulled away, she was crying. "I ... I didn't..."

"It's okay," he whispered.

"No, this isn't okay. This isn't what I want," her voice sounded so small and frightened that it reminded him of his daughter. "All I had left is the residue of her kiss on my lips. And I've replaced it." She was trembling so badly that he held her tiny body up to keep her from collapsing. "What have I done?" She asked. Her face grew pale and he held onto her, knowing all too well what would happen. She enough, she fainted, her lifeless body collapsing into his arms.

"I've got you, Delphine," he whispered, lifting her. "Let me take care of you," he said softly, carrying her to her car.


	4. You're the only friend I have right now

Delphine moaned loudly, clutching her head in her hands. Her head throbbed and she never remembered such a strong hangover. She opened her eyes, confusion wiping over her. The bed sheets were cotton and scratchy compared to her silk sheets. The nightstand had a framed photo of a little girl. She sat up, trying to remember the previous night.

"Hey, you're awake," Art whispered, entering the bedroom and quickly shutting the door, a move that Delphine found suspicious.

"I came to your house last night?" She asked, tilting her head. "I always go home."

"You fainted. You need to eat to maintain your strength, Delphine."

"I'm a doctor. I know my needs." She said quickly, her voice clipped as she stood up. She wore an oversized shirt that belonged to Art and a pair of his boxer shorts. She stared down, unable to remember. Although they were broken up, she felt nauseous at the idea of sleeping with someone else. Cosima may have moved on to Shay, but Delphine only wanted Cosima.

"We didn't have sex," Art assured her. "I took your pants off and the tank top. They were too tight to sleep in. I can cook you breakfast," he offered. "Just stay in bed."

"I have work. And I'm not hungry," she said quickly.

"Delphine, you are at an unhealthy weight," Art whispered. "When I changed you, I felt every rib. Let me cook you something. Anything you want."

"I've to go," she said, reaching for her things.

"Just stay in bed. Please!" His voice was starting to sound worried. Unsure of this man, she dashed to the door, rushing out of the bedroom.

"Good morning, gay french doctor!" Helena called, eating a spoonful of oatmeal.

"Helena," she breathed, turning to face Art. "It was a lie? All of it?"

"Nothing was a lie, Delphine."

"You're Beth's partner," She realized. "And I am an idiot. I'm here because Sarah asked you to get information on me? To track me?"

"Felix asked me to keep you safe," Art said, his negotiator voice kicking in.

"Felix doesn't give a damn about me. Neither does Sarah. And neither do you!" She screeched. "I'm leaving."

She headed for the door, racing out and down the stairs quickly. Her work at Dyad had shown her to never trust anyone and she felt she was losing a grip on reality. When she made it to the sidewalk, she leaned against the building, panting heavily. She couldn't find her car and had no idea how to get home.

"I take you home." Helena said, casually approaching. "I do not lie, Doctor."

"Delphine," she smiled softly.

"I know, Delphine. Cosima loves you."

"Loved. We aren't together," Delphine said sadly. She followed Helena into a car. "Thank you, Helena," she said softly.

"You are good to Sestra Cosima and I am good to you." She said as if the answer were so simple. Delphine laughed.

"Sestras hurt me too," Helena said as she drove. "Doesn't mean it isn't love."

"Cosima and I have hurt each other," Delphine admitted. "But that isn't it."

"What it is?"

"Nothing," Delphine whispered, staring out the window. She sat silent for a long time, not even looking at Helena. "My father died," she finally whispered. "I have no one." A stream of tears slid down her cheeks.

"We go to a place. Eat food. Talk." Helena said, pulling into the diner she once met Sarah at.

"Helena," Delphine whispered as they sat at the table. "I haven't told anyone else-"

"I know." Helena said, touching the salt and pepper shakers, inspecting everything. "The secret is killing you."

"I just meant-"

"I not tell my sestra," she promised.

"Thank you, Helena. You're the only friend I have right now," she admitted, sipping her coffee. "Helena," she takes a deep breath, preparing for the question at hand.

"Cosima is good. Healthier but still sick. She miss you."

"I miss her. More than anything."

"I know."

Back at Felix's loft, Felix is on the phone with Art. Sarah is sitting on a barstool, listening to him. Neither see Cosima in the doorway.

"Art, if she's attacking random women, she's not okay. Delphine is a bloody doctor, not a wrestler!"

"She attacked someone?" Sarah whispered.

"Well did you sleep with her?" He nods as he talks on the phone. "Well, yeah but I wouldn't have blamed you if ... okay, okay. I get it..."

Cosima steps closer upon hearing Delphine's name.

"Well where did she go? And Helena said nothing? Oh, bloody hell! Now they're such close friends." He sighed. "I'll have Sarah talk to Helena. Yeah, thanks." Felix hung up the phone.

"So Helena drove her home and won't tell Art a word. Art doesn't know if Delphine said anything, did anything."

"What is wrong with her?" Sarah asked, running a hand through her hair. "And why is Helena suddenly so attached to her."

"Maybe she's with Helena now," he shrugged. "She's only have Alison left to kiss..."

"Shut up!" Sarah hit him playfully.

"What's going on, guys?" Cosima asked, approaching them.

"Nothing," Sarah said quickly.

"Don't lie to me. I heard you talking about Delphine. If she's in trouble, I deserve to know. Actually, whatever it is, I deserve to know."

"That's just it," Felix finally admitted. "No one knows what it is."

"What what is?" Cosima pushed.

"Fe, she's sick" Sarah warned.

"Cosima, Delphine isn't doing well. She's drinking. She's taking pills-"

"- Delphine doesn't take pills. And she rarely drinks," Cosima defended.

"She's losing weight..." Felix continued.

"Art stopped her from beating a woman at a bar ." Sarah finally added. She didn't want to add that Delphine had almost slept with a stranger.

"I've been trying to dig up what's going on. She won't talk to anyone," Felix said.

"She'll talk to me." Cosima whispered. "I've got to get dressed.


	5. I came back for you

**A/N I kind of screwed up the timeline, with Cosima returning to tell Delphine about the near death experience. I just thought that scene and the words were so much more powerful to Delphine with her fathers death. But thank you for all the reviews. They really motivate me to keep the story going. Thank you.**

"Cosima," Delphine said, barely glancing up.

Cosima glanced at the two security guards who had escorted her up. Her mind raced, she wasn't as great at schemes as Sarah. Or any of her fellow clones, really. Even Alison was quick on her feet. Cosima needed an excuse to see Delphine, needed some way to see her with her own eyes.

But seeing her only broke her heart. Although it suited her, Cosima couldn't help but view Delphine's straightened hair as symbolic of Delphine outgrowing Cosima and their young love. Delphine wore all black. Cosima thought she looked beautiful in it, but never once considered a reason. But they had been right. Cosima knew every inch of Delphine's body. She noticed the way her cheeks had started to sink in. Her hips were smaller than usual and her body felt smaller in a way that made Cosima uncomfortable.

"I wanted to surprise you," Cosima said awkwardly, glancing at the security men who Delphine dismissed.

"You surprised me when you quit. Effective immediately."

"You sure did pick up on sarcasm quickly."

"What do you need, Cosima?" She said quickly.

"The day you left for Frankfurt, I almost died." Delphine glanced up so quickly her hair fell to one side of her face. "I had some kind of near death experience. It was so easy, I could have just slipped away. And then I had a vision of you." The tears filled her eyes behind her glasses. "I came back for you."

Delphine stared, stunned. She had been so focused on her father that she hadn't imagined Cosima coming so close to death. No one had called her. No one had told her. The realization hit that the call she received over her father could have been about Cosima. "Why didn't you tell me?" She managed, her voice shaking as the tears built. She meant all of it. The illness, the turn for the worse, but Cosima only took it as the vision.

"Because you don't believe stuff like that," Cosima whispered, her eyes glassy. She stepped closer, feeling the wall that Delphine had built beginning to crumble. "Because we have to move on," she sobbed, still hurt over the breakup. Even as she uttered the words, she stepped closer to where Delphine sat on her desk.

"Come here," Delphine breathed. Her perfectly manicured red nails rested on Cosima's cheek. "Come here," she repeated. Cosima shook her head, but Delphine pulled her in, kissing her once and pulling away, giving Cosima a few seconds to reject her. When she didn't, Delphine kissed her again, her tongue pushing into Cosima's mouth. She wanted to tell Cosima everything, to tell her about her father. Instead, her mind flashed to Cosima lying about the book, lying about Sarah, lying about Shay. "I'm sorry," she blurted. "You should have trusted me." She knew that if Cosima couldn't trust her, Delphine wasn't ready to trust her with the truth of her father. Her grief was a weakness and she was struggling to know who to trust.

"It's a shame," Cosima whispered, taking a step back.

"It is," Delphine whispered, the wall slowly beginning to build back up.

"I meant you," Cosima whispered. Delphine stared at her, waiting for an explanation. "Your kiss tastes like alcohol. It made me miss kissing you and tasting you."

"Then I guess it's for the best that you've moved on," Delphine said coldly, taking another sip of bourbon.

"What's going on with you, Delphine?" Cosima grabbed the glass, finishing it to prevent Delphine from finishing it. "You've lost weight."

"The way my body looks isn't your concern," she said quickly. "My life, my biology. Isn't that right?"

"Cut the shit and tell me what is going on."

Delphine stood up, stepping so close to Cosima that their arms were touching. "My personal life is none of your business," she said, her tone threatening.

"So it isn't work related," Cosima whispered, ignoring the imitation tactics. She pushed herself to her tip toes, grabbing Delphine's face and pulling the taller woman down into a heated kiss. Delphine moaned into her mouth, letting Cosima press her body against Delphine's. Cosima kissed her until she felt Delphine's body trembling. Delphine's eyes were wide and her body shook. Cosima knew whatever was going on was on the verge of exploding. "Hey, let's get out of here. We can go somewhere private."

"You have a girlfriend, Cosima."

"I'm not thinking of Shay. I'm thinking of you."

"Cosima, I'm fine."

"No, Del. You aren't fine. And I'm sorry that you are suffering. Just let me help you. Let me trust you."

"I don't need your pity," Delphine whispered, glancing down. Cosima lifted her chin with her finger, forcing her to look at her.

"It isn't pity. Felix told me. And Art told me. The bars, the drinking. The pills..."

"They should be focused on you," she whispered.

"They are. Delphine, if anything happened to you, it would kill me. My survival depends on yours. Please, Delphine. Tonight, let's have dinner," she begged, wanting Delphine to eat.

"I kind of wanted to stay in," Delphine lied.

"Perfect. You can cook that pasta with the broccoli and shrimp that I love and I'll come over."

"You're a brat," Delphine whispered, the slightest hint of a smile forming.

"But I'm cute so it evens out," Cosima winked. "See you tonight, Delphine."


	6. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere

Delphine hummed softly as she stood over the stove, finishing up dinner. The logical side of her reminded her that everything had changed between her and Cosima. Still, the helpless romantic couldn't help but remind her of their happier times.

 _"Oh my God, what is that smell?" Cosima asked, sniffing loudly as she found her way to the kitchen._

 _"It's broccoli. You don't like it? It's good for you."_

 _"Evil broccoli," Cosima scrunched her nose up._

 _"You're such a brat," Delphine smirked. Cosima stood behind her, pushing her bouncy curls to one side and kissing her neck. Delphine tilted her head, giving Cosima full access as she moaned softly. "You'll make me burn dinner."_

 _"Then we can order Chinese," Cosima purred, her hands on Delphine's waist._

 _"Try it. It's full of dietary fiber," she said softly._

 _"Sexy. Say it nice and slow for me," Cosima teased._

 _Delphine turned to face her, giving her a quick kiss. "The choice is yours. You could try the dish that was cooked with love and make your girlfriend happy. Or you can order Chinese and I can spend my evening reading..." she purred._

 _"Girlfriend?" Cosima raised an eyebrow. The realization made Delphine blush. They hadn't actually labeled their relationship._

 _"I didn't..." Delphine shook her head, her face turning bright red._

 _"You are so adorably sexy when you blush," Cosima panted. "But I'll try your dinner under one condition."_

 _"Anything."_

 _"After this, you're my girlfriend. I don't eat broccoli for just anyone, you know."_

 _Delphine kissed her deeply, loving the way Cosima smiled even as she kissed her._

 _When Cosima finally tried the pasta dish, she moaned so loudly that Delphine thought she was being sarcastic. She could never tell what was sarcasm and what wasn't with Cosima._

 _"Baby, this is so good. What did you do to this?" She held a piece of broccoli, eating it._

 _"I cooked it," Delphine smiled._

 _"These little trees are delicious. All of it is."_

 _"Stick with me. I can whip up a few tasty things," Delphine bit her lower lip, trying to hold the smile as she watched Cosima devour her plate._

The knocking startled her and she glanced around her apartment, sad that the memory was just that. She didn't know how she'd manage to get through this dinner. Thinking of Cosima was painful. She couldn't imagine sitting across from her without being able to touch her.

"Smells like broccoli in here," Cosima whispered as she stepped past Delphine, taking her own coat off.

"I would have taken that," Delphine sighed, knowing Delphine did it to avoid close contact. It broke her heart that Cosima had to avoid her now.

"No worries, I can take care of myself."

"Speaking of, how have you been feeling? I mean, if you want to answer. I am not your monitor anymore," she said, although she didn't know why she felt the need to remind them.

"We aren't here to talk about me," Cosima said. She knew that Delphine wouldn't openly tell Cosima her problems so she was trying to keep leverage.

"That reminds me," Delphine whispered. She grabbed a few loose papers, handing them to Cosima.

"Recipes?" She asked, confused.

"Yes. The pasta dish you like and those soups I used to make when you were sick. I had Karen from Finance write them so Shay wouldn't have to see my handwriting-"

"You didn't have to do that."

"I know," Delphine said with a sad glance. She knew she didn't have to do so much. After all, Cosima had no qualms about moving on. It was Delphine who was stuck in the past. Giving Cosima the recipe wouldn't bring them back together and yet she couldn't seem to stop herself.

"Delphine, I want to know what's going on with you," Cosima whispered. "Is this about the breakup?"

"Oh." Delphine felt Cosima's words knocking the wind out of her. "The only problems I could possibly have must involve my favorite clones." She rolled her eyes.

"That isn't what I meant-" Cosima moved closer to her.

"I should check on dinner," Delphine said, her tiny body slipping past Cosima and back into the kitchen.

Cosima walked around Delphine's living room. She couldn't resist touching the luxurious items. She had always loved Delphine's apartment. It smelled like French vanilla candles and everything was perfect and precise, just like Delphine. She touched the grey sectional soft and the perfectly placed throw pillows, remembering all the times she had been here.

 _"I think you are with me for my apartment," Delphine laughed, gently playing with Cosima's dreadlocks. They were both seated on the couch, Cosima tightly clutching the teal throw pillow._

 _"I'm dating you for your hot brain," Cosima chuckled. "The apartment is just another perk..."_

 _"Another?" Delphine asked, intrigued._

 _"Well, that rocking body for starters..." Cosima's hands moved to Delphine's sides, touching the soft camisole and tugging at the edges of it._

 _"You want to take this to the bedroom?" Delphine breathed, arching her back._

 _"You always say that," Cosima laughed. "Have you never had sex in your living room?" The question made Delphine bite her lower lip, her face turning red._

 _"Each room has a purpose," she smiled._

 _"So you've never had sex in any room besides your bedroom?"_

 _"You know I have. We've had sex in your bedroom."_

 _"No living rooms? No kitchens?"_

 _"With the food?" Delphine laughed._

 _"No shower sex? Not even in front of your fireplace? My little puppy, I'm going to make love to you in every room of your apartment..."_

 _"Then I'll never be able to think of anything but you and I when I look around..."_

 _"That's kind of the point, Del..."_

Cosima touched the beautiful frames, a wave of sadness when she realized Delphine had taken their photos out. It was silly for Cosima to expect her to keep photos of when they dated, but it still hurt. A knock at her door startled Cosima.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Cosima called.

"No. Maybe it is Shay. I did interrupt you and her," she muttered dryly.

"If so, she'll have to explain how she knew I was here," Cosima admitted, catching Delphine's attention. "I'll grab the door for you." Cosima opened the door, finding a delivery man. He handed her a package. The return address was a French address. Immediately, Cosima had an idea what it was.

 _"Not everyone goes through that nerdy kid phase," Cosima whispered as they laid in bed, their naked bodies curled under the thin sheets._

 _"You cannot comment on it. You're a clone," Delphine chuckled. "Trust me, this is a real thing."_

 _"Were you a nerdy kid?"_

 _"Well, I was always more focused on learning. But I was an ugly kid..."_

 _"That's impossible." Cosima kissed her shoulder gently._

 _"I had braces and glasses..." she kissed Cosima's nose. "And not cute glasses..."_

 _"I would have pushed you on the swings," Cosima promised her._

 _"I should ask my father to mail me childhood photos. Then you'll see..."_

 _"Oh my God!" Cosima sat up. "Do it! Please! Please! Pretty please?"_

 _Delphine laughed. "Okay, okay. I'll ask him..."_

"Who was it?" Delphine called.

"It was actually for me," She lied, trying to open the package.

"Shay?" Delphine called as Cosima was pulling open the box. She got it open just as Delphine appeared in the doorway.

"Cosima, dinner is read- what is that?" She asked, her eyes growing wide.

"I thought your father sent the baby pictures..." she whispered, pulling out an urn. "What is?" She asked, noticing the note.

"Put it down, Cosima." Delphine's tone was so detached and cold that Cosima didn't even recognize it.

"Delphine, did your father pass away?" She whispered, her mouth open wide.

Delphine was shaking, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Cosima. I'll make you a plate to take with you-"

"I'm not leaving you, Delphine."

"It isn't your choice."

"Del-"

"I need to be alone..." she moved, reaching for the wine bottle.

"No more drinking," Cosima pleaded. "Come on, talk to me."

"I don't want to talk, Cosima! I just want you to leave!" She cried, tears streaming.

"I'm not leaving you," Cosima repeated.

In a flash of anger, Delphine grabbed the empty plate, throwing it against her kitchen floor.

"That's it," Cosima whispered, coming to Delphine's side. "We're going to break everything," she promised. She opened Delphine's cabinets, pulling out glasses and plates. Delphine grabbed each one, throwing it hard enough to make it shatter against the tile floor. She cried loudly, gasping with each shattering.

Eventually, Delphine moved to the couch, curling into a small ball. She clutched the throw pillow, crying uncontrollably. "I did this," she said as Cosima moved closer.

"Delphine, this is not your fault."

"He promised me that he'd always be there. That he'd hold on until I found someone. I told him about you and then broke it off. I never told him about us and he thought I had you. Now I have no one."

"Delphine," Cosima whispered, clutching her and holding her against her body. "You aren't alone. I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." She rocked Delphine slowly. She knew Delphine well enough to stroke her hair until she fell asleep in her arms.


	7. Let me stay tonight

When Delphine opened her eyes, it took a moment to adjust to the darkness of the evening. She stayed silent, afraid to move. She could hear Cosima gently hitting her phone, most likely playing a game. It had been so long since she was in Cosima's arms that she didn't want to ruin it.

"Hey, you're awake," Cosima whispered, putting the phone down and rubbing Delphine's back.

"How did you know? I just opened my eyes. I didn't even move," Delphine whispered, slowly sitting up. She rubbed her eyes before trying to rearrange her hair. Cosima smiled, loving that even at her worst, Delphine was trying to look nice on Cosima's behalf. It was a wasted effort, Cosima thought. Delphine could never look anything but beautiful.

"I remember every detail about how your body feels," Cosima whispered, her answer more intimate than she had considered. Delphine's mouth opened slightly, as if taking in what Cosima was saying. Unsure how to reply, Delphine glanced around. "It's a little after 9. You slept about 3 hours."

"Cosima! I've kept you all night! You must be starved! I'm sure Felix is looking for you! What will Shay say?" She jumped up, her mind racing. She headed to the kitchen but Cosima grabbed her arm, pulling her back against her.

"There's broken glass all over the floor. Don't go in there," Cosima whispered. Delphine stroked Cosima's cheek gently. "I promised you dinner. I can sweep up the glass. You've got to get going..." she trailed off. They both knew the end of the sentence.

"Shay doesn't know I'm here," Cosima blurted.

"What?"

"I told her I was babysitting Kira?"

"She knows about Sarah and Kira?" Delphine's voice turned concerned.

"Just that she's a friend. On a date and I don't know how late I'll be. You know what dates can lead to," she smiled slyly.

"Cosima, you shouldn't have lied to her. I don't want your relationship built on a lie. Trust me, it can prove to be costly," she bit her lower lip. She didn't hate being Cosima's monitor, but she hated the way it made Cosima feel betrayed. She had never meant to betray her.

"Why do you care so much about my relationship with Shay? If you were with someone else. I'd ..." she shook her head, unable to think of how she'd react. "I'd go crazy. I'd sabotage the shit out of that romance," she chuckled.

"As much as I'm intrigued to see that, I just want you to be happy, Cosima."

"Then let me stay tonight."

"What?" Delphine's eyes were wide. "Cosima, I am many things but I am not a _maîtresse_. I won't be anyone's _plat d'accompagnement_."

"A side dish?" Cosima laughed.

"That is not how you call it?" Delphine asked, still stumbling over some of the American slang.

"Delphine, no matter what, you'll never be a side piece." She stepped closer, tucking a strand of hair behind Delphine's ear. "You always come first," she whispered. "Please let me stay. Let me take care of you."

"Okay," Delphine whispered, her eyes watery.

"I want to focus on you. Anything in the entire world. What do you want more than anything?" Cosima asked.

Instinctively, Delphine cupped Cosima's face, pressing her body against her and kissing her wildly. Cosima moaned, her hands moving to Delphine's hair as they kissed. Cosima had never felt this reaction from Delphine. There was an urgency and a desperation in her kiss that Cosima found both heartbreaking and sensual. Had this been all she'd really been after? Physical contact with someone who truly cared for her? The realization made her think back to Felix's stories. The alcohol, the pills, the random men at the bar. Delphine had just wanted to feel something other than grief. She clutched Delphine closer, kissing her deeply. Tonight, she'd give Delphine whatever she needed to pull through this.

"I should restrain myself," Delphine finally whispered. It still made her uncomfortable that Cosima had Shay.

"I'll tell you what, you go take a hot bath and I'll clean the kitchen."

"No, no, Cosima you cannot risk to hurt yourself..."

"Delphine, for one night, let yourself be the fragile one."

"Cosima..."

"I'll be careful. I promise." Cosima held her hand softly. Delphine smiled nervously as she nodded. Ever since she realized that Cosima was sick, their relationship was Delphine putting Cosima first. It was hard for her to give up control, but she couldn't deny that she loved feeling so important. Tonight was the first night in a long time that it felt like their baggage had been pushed aside.

Cosima cleaned the kitchen, making sure to get every last sliver of broken glass. With Delphine still taking a bath, she was able to take the trash bag down the apartment hallway and into the trash chute.

When she returned, she heard the soft cries coming from the bathroom. When she peaked through the cracked doorway, she saw Delphine with her knees pulled up against her chest, crying softly.

Letting her heart take over, Cosima peeled off her crimson dress and unzipped her scrunch boots. She took off her glasses and sat behind Delphine in the tub. "Come here," she whispered, one leg on each side of Delphine as she held her tightly. Delphine lowered her head. The movement hid her face from Cosima, but Cosima watched each tear fall into the basin of the tub, leaving soft ripples. "It's okay. Get it all out, baby," Cosima whispered, rocking her softly.

"He was all I had," Delphine whispered. "Now I'm all alone."

"You aren't alone," Cosima whispered, kissing her shoulder. "There are so many people who care about you."

"No. They care about you. They were polite when I was with you."

"Scott feels terrible about that," Cosima said. "I let him have it. But Felix cares."

"I slapped him," Delphine realized.

"Yeah, he found that oddly erotic. I wouldn't worry about him," she laughed.

"Erotic? He's gay!" She laughed.

"We all have that one person. You were straight before you met me," she reminded her. "Art lied to you, but he was genuinely concerned. And Helena thinks you two are friends."

"We are friends," Delphine defended. "She's kind to me. And she makes me laugh."

Cosima tilted her back, so their eyes met. "You aren't getting a new favorite clone are you? I kind of liked being teachers pet."

"I'll never feel the way I feel about you for anyone else, Cosima." Delphine said, her tone soft but stern. "I can still heat up dinner for you," Delphine whispered.

"Actually, I took care of it."

"Cosima, you are many things but you are a terrible cook," Delphine said, offering a soft smile.

"No, no. I am. I get it. Alison took care of it. She'll be over soon."

"Alison?" She said, her eyes widening.

"Her and Donnie are taking a French cooking glass. She made dauphinois?"

"Potatoes in cheese, really" Delphine tried to explain it to her as best she could.

"Well that actually sounds delicious. And Cassoulet?"

"A casserole," Delphine smiled.

"And macaroni and cheese for me."

"You did this for me?" Delphine asked.

"Yeah. I realized that when we were together, I spent so much time introducing you to all the things I knew and loved that we never did that for you."

"I loved experiencing those things with you," Delphine defended, but deep down she knew it was true. She loved Cosima's life and her tastes, but their romance had left her longing for her French comforts. "Besides, those are the things you do when you love someone."

"Exactly." Cosima's one word had left Delphine speechless.


	8. It's always been you

Delphine paced nervously. Cosima had gone to the bathroom nearly 15 minutes ago. She wasn't trying to invade her privacy, but she was worried that Cosima was sick again. She went to check on her and heard Cosima from the bathroom.

"... I know. I know what she did..." she mumbled softly. "I've made my decision. I'm not going to change my mind..." Delphine leaned in closer, intrigued. "I've got to go."

Cosima exited the bathroom, jumping when she saw Delphine waiting.

"Shay?" She guessed, trying not to feel hurt. Even when they were together, Cosima was sneaking off to go talk to her lover. Delphine wondered if Cosima ever snuck off just to call Delphine when they were together.

"I broke up with her." Cosima said flatly.

"What?" Delphine's eyes were so wide that she resembled a baby deer. Cosima smiled, loving the contours of Delphine's face. "Cosima, no!"

"It's done," she repeated.

Delphine moved over, untying Cosima's ponytail and letting the soft dreadlocks fall to her shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Cosima asked.

Delphine was already racing to the kitchen. She dumped her vase in the sink, wrapping the bottom of the lilies. "Here, give her these?"

"Who?"

"Shay!" Delphine practically screeched.

"I ended it!" Cosima repeated, frustrated that Delphine wasn't listening.

"Tell her, Cosima. Tell her you made a mistake. Bring her the flowers. Do that thing..." she lowered her voice, embarrassed. "...the thing with your finger you did that time..."

"I remember what I did," Cosima smiled, remembering the effect she had on Delphine that night. "But I'm not going."

"Cosima," Delphine whispered. "Don't throw this away. I want the best for you. I want you to find someone who loves you and would do anything for you. I want you to feel butterflies and fireworks and all those feelings. I want you to be loved, Cosima."

"You don't get to decide who that person is," Cosima said, narrowing her gaze.

"No, of course not. That isn't what I meant."

"It's my life."

"I want you to be with whoever makes you happy," Delphine relented.

Instead of answering, Cosima approached her, kissing her deeply. She didn't know how else to make Delphine realize that all those things she wanted were all things Delphine gave her. Cosima had ended it with Shay, but only because she knew that no one else would make her feel the way Delphine did. And deep down, even when Delphine did things that Cosima disagreed with, there was an understanding that Cosima's best interest was at the core of every choice Delphine made.

She knew when she saw Delphine break down that she couldn't walk away. Delphine's pain made her realize how much she had hidden away, always focusing on Cosima. Delphine had always been that way, pushing her desires and needs down in order to make Cosima her only priority. She had never seen her this way, and within minutes she knew that she wasn't leaving Delphine's side.

"It's you," Cosima breathed. "It's always been you."

Delphine lifted Cosima so her legs were wrapped around Delphine's tiny waist, pinning her against the wall as she kissed her wildly, moaning into her mouth. When she finally pulled away, she let her nose brush over Cosima's as her forehead rested on hers. "You're crazy," Delphine whispered.

"Crazy for you," Cosima smiled. "I'd show you, but Alison is headed over."

"Alison!" Delphine put Cosima down, running a hand through her hair. "I should tidy up..."

"This place is spotless," Cosima laughed. "Why do they make you so nervous?"

Delphine bit her lip, knowing the answer but choosing not to speak of it. She knew that even from the beginning, none of them trusted her. She couldn't help but feel their mistrust had played a part in the problems of their relationship. "I should light candles," she said instead, trying to change the subject. Cosima knew better than to question it. She stood helpless as Delphine straightened the throw pillows, lit the candles and turned on the fireplace. She finished just as Alison arrived.

"I have comfort foods!" Alison said cheerfully and then lowered her tone, realizing it was too cheerful. "Delphine, I am so sorry. I lost my father when I was very young and I know how hard it was on me," she said, gently squeezing Delphine's arm.

"Thank you, Alison. That's sweet of you. And it is so thoughtful to cook French meals-"

"I googled French foods for funerals," she bragged, her smile fading when she caught a glimpse of Cosima's glare. "Sorry. I'm bad at these things," she said truthfully.

"No, no. It was a thoughtful thing to do."

"And I expect you to eat. You look like you've lost weight-"

"Oh, thank you-"

"It wasn't a compliment." Alison furrowed her brows, studying Delphine so much that Delphine straightened her posture, biting her lower lip. "But I want to talk to you-"

"Alison!" Cosima hissed.

"I heard about the pills. Take it from me-"

"I assure you, I am fine. Please, do not worry." Delphine smiled, still uncomfortable.

"Delphine, you're the reason Cosima survived when she was sick..." Delphine's eyes filled with tears. "If you aren't strong enough and she gets sick..." both Alison and Delphine had tears in their eyes. Delphine nodded, she understood the implication.

"Okay, Ali. Enough." Cosima said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Delphine," Alison whispered as she headed out.

"Delphine, I am so sorry for her. It helps if you pretend she was raised in Ukraine with Helena-" she started as she locked the door. When she turned around, Delphine bent, lowering herself to Cosima's height and kissed her deeply. She let her body press into Cosima's, allowing herself to just get lost in the moment.

"I don't feel hungry," Delphine smirked when she finally pulled away. "I'll eat later."

"Actually, I might have a trick for that," Cosima whispered, leading her by the hand to the bedroom.


	9. You can't refuse a breakup

Cosima opened her eyes, studying the sleeping doctor next to her. Delphine breathed softly, her body connected to Cosima's as much as it could. Her head rested on Cosima's shoulder. Her arm draped over Cosima's waist. Her bare leg draped over Cosima's.

For the first time in what Cosima could only imagine was her life, Delphine had slept on the living room floor. They had curled naked under blankets and in front of the fireplace.

Cosima's lips still felt swollen. Delphine had spent the entire night kissing her, as if she was afraid to part lips. The night was made up of love making and talking. Delphine didn't speak of her father. Cosima had hoped she'd eventually mention it but she knew that Delphine wasn't the type to open up about her grief.

Delphine did acknowledge that she hadn't had any lovers while they were apart. None in Frankfurt. None upon her return. None after they broke up. It hurt Cosima more than she imagined, the idea of Delphine being uninterested in anyone else. She tried to convince herself that Shay meant nothing, but she knew that to Delphine, Shay would always mean something. Cosima bit her lip, wondering what the relationship had felt like for Delphine. She brushed Delphine's hair with her hand, her once straightened locks were now curled from all the love making. Did Delphine wonder if Shay was prettier? Did she think that Cosima preferred someone fun? Someone more carefree? Did Delphine realize how perfect they were together? Did she know that Cosima had already realized it?

She kissed Delphine's forehead, kissing her before attempting to slip away. She got her right side out of the bundle of blankets before Delphine began to stir. "Stay with me," she murmured, her heavy eyelids opening.

"I was just getting a bite of your pasta. The broccoli is good cold."

"You don't like broccoli," Delphine smirked, sitting up.

"Maybe I wanted to brush your thighs before dipping the tops inside you."

"What...I...You..." Delphine whispered, a smile forming as she struggled to think of the words.

"Holy shit! I was kidding! You're a freak!" Cosima shrieked.

"No, I was kidding!" Delphine replied unconvincingly, burying her bright red face in her hands.

Still, Delphine followed Cosima into the kitchen, eating a few bites of leftovers. Cosima watched intently. Delphine didn't eat nearly enough and not as much as Cosima hoped. Delphine had eaten the previous night, ravenous after every roll in the hay, but Cosima knew she hadn't been eating for much longer and wanted her to make up for lost time.

"How are you feeling?"

"My back is a little sore from the floor. Nothing to worry about," Delphine smiled softly, pouring a glass of orange juice and taking a sip.

"Del, you can let your guard down."

"I have no guard," she said flatly.

"I'm here," she whispered.

"You're here because my father died. If he hadn't died, you'd be with Shay right now," she said, pushing her fork from one side to the other.

"Don't do this," Cosima pleaded.

"It's true. We broke up and you quit. You wanted nothing to do with me."

"Don't look for reasons to justify not being with me," Cosima whispered. "We didn't work the last time."

"And what's changed?" Delphine whispered, finally glancing up. "Topside wants us apart. Dyad won't be happy until we're apart."

"I don't give a damn about your stupid job."

"And your sisters?"

"They want me to be happy."

"They want us apart. They don't trust me. They don't want to trust me. They were happy when we broke up."

"We took a stumble..." Cosima sighed.

"You were happy," Delphine glanced down, letting a few curls fall in front of her face.

"What?"

"You were happy when you were with Shay." A tear slid from her eye.

"Don't tell me what makes me happy," Cosima said, starting to grow angry.

"You don't owe it to me."

"Delphine, don't even think it." Cosima stepped closer.

"You came back to your pathetic ex because her father died," she clenched her jaw. "You broke up with Shay because you didn't want to cheat on her. You owed her that."

"I didn't want to cheat on her but it isn't why."

"So what is it?" Delphine glanced up, instantly breaking Cosima's heart. She looked so defeated, as if she already saw their breakup approaching.

"I broke up with Shay because you'd think it was just sex if I cheated on her with you. You'd never shake that idea and I'd never convince you that you're the one I want. You're looking at this all wrong, Del."

Delphine bit her lower lip, all the information overwhelming her. But Cosima refused to stop.

"Delphine, I love you. I loved you before all this. I shouldn't have let us go the last time-"

"You can't refuse a breakup," Delphine sniffled.

"I can when I knew you didn't mean it. I watched your heart breaking and I let it happen. And when I saw you crying over your father, I thought of that girl I met in the hallway of college."

"When I was the cold turkey asshole?" She smiled.

"For an imaginary boyfriend," Cosima added. "I loved you even then, I think. But your father kept his promise. I'm here. I won't leave. You aren't alone."

"Cosima," she breathed, using one finger to dab the tears building.

"No, don't rationalize it. Don't be a scientist. Just be a girl. Just think of your fathers promise-"

"He wouldn't leave until he knew I found someone and was taken care of," she whispered, unable to look at Cosima.

Cosima moved closer, kneeling down in front of her. "Let me take care of you, Delphine. Let's take care of each other. Give me a chance to keep my promise to him."

"Cosima, get off the floor. You look like-"

"I look exactly how I'm supposed to look."

"Cosima-"

"Marry me, Delphine."


	10. I take it back

"You're creeping me out. Could you please speak?"

Cosima had waited ten minutes for some sort of a response. Delphine placed both her hands on the counter, balancing herself. She was lost; in a daze.

Cosima hadn't thought out her proposal. She didn't have a speech. She didn't have a ring. She had never considered marrying Delphine before. Actually, she wasn't even sure she wanted to get married. And yet, thinking of Delphine's fathers promise, she just blurted it.

A part of her hoped Delphine said yes. They were in love. But a part of her hoped that Delphine said no. Not that they wouldn't be together, just so they could take it slow. She wanted this time to be different. She wanted to savor their time together and be a normal couple. She just needed Delphine to calm down.

"Delphine, how about this? We just forget the proposal. It's done. I take it back."

Delphine slowly looked up, locking eyes with her. "You wanted to marry me but you took it back a moment later..." she nodded, still processing the initial proposal.

"I took it back because you're freaking out."

"I don't want you to divorce me," Delphine whispered, barely audible.

"Divorce? That's what you're worried about?" Cosima breathed a sigh of relief. "Baby, it'll never happen."

"Every fight. Every breakup. Every problem we've encountered has been because of my choices. I make decisions and they push you away." Delphine's voice trembled. She couldn't even look at Cosima. She heart was going so rapidly that she could feel each beat.

"That was in the past. You said you didn't want to break things off."

"I didn't want to. It doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again," Delphine said.

"What are you saying?" Cosima felt her anxiety boiling.

"Every decision I've made, I would do again."

"You don't mean that..."

"I would be your monitor again. Do you think someone like Donnie or like Paul could handle you? You aren't like them, Cosima!"

"Why? Because I'm too sick?" Cosima snapped defensively.

"Because you are self aware-"

"We all are, now!"

"You are sick and you are smart and you need someone who can keep up with you. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so wrong to have someone look after you?"

"You did it behind my back. Just like Kira's DNA."

"And I would do it all over again."

"It wasn't your choice." Cosima snapped.

"If you think I would just sit back and let you die rather than ask Sarah, you're a fool. If I had a niece and I was laying in a hospital bed dying, I think you'd do anything to keep me alive. And if breaking up with you kept you alive and kept you safe, I would do it again and again. You may not like my decisions, Cosima, but they've always been for your best interest!"

"You know what, I take it back."

"You already took it back."

"I just wanted to say it twice. You know, because I'd do it all again." Cosima crossed her arms.

Delphine could feel the tears brimming as she stormed into her room. She curled up in her bed, hiding in a pile of blankets like she did as a girl.

She knew her decisions hadn't made Cosima happy, not at the time and not now. Still, she had hoped that in time Cosima would realize that Delphine's motivation had always been good, even if the choice wasn't the popular one. She let the silent tears slip out until eventually, she fell back asleep.

Cosima paced around the kitchen until she had calmed down a little. She knew they eventually needed to have a grown up discussion about all their problems if they wanted a fresh start. It was all so recent that it made it impossible to talk rationally. Cosima knew she needed to apologize.

When she went into Delphine's room, she realized that Delphine was finally getting the sleep she desperately needed. It amazed Cosima to watch her. After Dyad and the entire Shay situation had made Delphine seem so tall and tough. She seemed hardened, as if nothing could touch her. Yet, as she slept, Cosima noticed again how frail her body was and how fragile her features were. How could she seem so different? And then it dawned on Cosima. Delphine was only strong when Cosima needed her to be.

The realization hit her deep. She'd been so hard on Delphine, but suddenly she couldn't stop thinking of those same choices. If Delphine were a clone, could Cosima risk her being given another monitor? Of course not, she would take the job in order to keep Delphine safe. She bit her lip, remembering how panicked Delphine was when she found out, telling Cosima that she was in danger.

If Delphine were sick and had a niece, could Cosima accept no to the solution. It broke Cosima's heart to imagine Delphine sick and facing death. And yet she knew that Delphine had stood by her at her sickest. It's no wonder that Delphine hadn't told her where the cure came from.

Even the breakup suddenly felt heroic. Wouldn't she break up with Delphine if it meant keeping her safe? Of course she would, she knew the answer. Delphine had been right all along, she had made the hard decisions but her heart was always in the right place.

Cosima crawled into bed, placing one hand on Delphine's hip. Delphine stretched, her body contorting into a catlike shape as she opened her eyes. "You're supposed to be mad at me," Delphine whispered.

"I think I owe you an apology..." Cosima whispered. She leaned in, kissing Delphine softly. Delphine kissed her, but pulled away quickly.

"Cosima, we are going to have to have an unpleasant conversation..."

"I know."

"You've done many things I did not agree with," Delphine whispered, climbing out of bed. She grabbed her silk robe, tying it around her waist. Cosima could barely focus on her words. She wanted Delphine an she wanted her now. "Focus," Delphine whispered, snapping her fingers towards her eyes to get Cosima's attention.

"It's hard to dressed like that," Cosima frowned.

"Don't pout," Delphine smiled softly.

"I know that you don't act the way I do," Cosima whispered.

"So we need to find out why you can't let these things go. It's the only way to move past this. Otherwise-"

"Otherwise our relationship won't last," Cosima whispered, her voice trembling.


	11. You are my future

**A/N: this is the last chapter of this story, as much as I loved it. Thank you all for your reviews. I hope you liked it.**

"This is the last of it?" Cosima whispered, placing a box down. It hadn't been easy, but Delphine had finished sorting her fathers belongings down. The experienced hadn't been easy, but it helped Cosima really understand Delphine. She was grateful to Delphine's father for all of it. For being her support as a child, for pushing her to study hard and nurture her intellect even when she wanted to give up. Even in his death, he had brought them back together. For everything, she was grateful.

"Cosima," Delphine said softly. "I've been thinking..."

"Tell me," Cosima whispered.

"You asked me ... you wanted..."

"I proposed," she corrected.

"I've given it a lot of thought, Cosima..." she turned her back, as Cosima prepared for the worst. She had been impulsive to propose. She knew it freaked Delphine out. She had wanted to be with Delphine indefinitely, but she was afraid she pushed it too far.

When Delphine turned back to face her, she was biting her lower lip, the way she did when she was nervous. In her hand was a check. "This is the sale money on my fathers house," she whispered.

"You should invest this money," Cosima whispered. "Invest in your future."

"I was thinking the same," Delphine smiled. "It is for your tuition. To finish your phD."

"Delphine, I'm not taking your money," Cosima whispered.

"You aren't. The money is ours. For our future. My answer is yes, Cosima. I want to marry you. I want to love you the rest of my life."

"What?" Cosima gasped. She hadn't expected those words.

"But when your education is finished. You are too smart to not continue, Cosima. And it'll give us time to work on our issues." Delphine sighed. "I know you don't agree with my choices all the time..."

"It isn't-"

"You're right. I keep things from you if they'll cause you harm or stress..."

"I can handle the stress."

"And I've betrayed you in the past by not being completely honest about things like Kira. But Cosima, you've always been the end game for me. If I can tell one lie and keep you alive..." her voice trembled, but not out of nervousness. Cosima had never seen Delphine so raw and open. She knew it wasn't easy for her.

"If I do things you don't like, it is always for your own good," Delphine continued.

"I know," Cosima whispered. "I know how deeply you love me."

"If you want," she started, trying to compromise. "I can work and you can focus on school. We'll try and lead a normal life," she chuckled.

"When you say normal, do you mean like those couples who never have sex?" Cosima stepped closer.

Delphine felt her cheeks redden. "Maybe we could compromise on the normalcy..."

"Compromise? I'm listening..."

"Maybe I'll help you study..." she tilted her head, nipping at Cosima's lower lip. "... if you'll rethink this lack of sex thing..."

"Convince me," Cosima purred, already unbuttoning Delphine's cardigan.


End file.
